Realms

I am tired and the day has barely begun. A letter from the past brightening future thoughts, smile on my face but body remains with bed sores that I only roll over on. I want to help, but don’t want to be seen or see the anguish that has built and caused the person who I am. I feel so dirty. I wash and wash and cant remove the feelings of disgusting caresses that were made hidden in a dark room lit by the Howard Stern show playing over and over with my sister on the other side. It is all a mess. But today is a new day and a new day to accomplish new things and let go of old ones. If only actions spoke louder than words and as quick as the words that come from my mind.
Last night I had more dreadful dreams. I don’t understand why I am going through this. I am fighting so hard in the world on land and when I sleep all I want is to rest. Float, be weightless in my pain. They all lash out at me with sharp swords I see my reflection in. I never run. I never hide. I stand, and inside I cry. I walk around the room as everyone points their fingers and judge. I look out the window not knowing where I am, no plan of an escape, if even the energy in me was enough to. My father picks me up when all else fails and checks me into a home. I walk into the same room with different people. This time it is the crew of Johnny. He lay half way on the bed, one leg stretched out, the other off the bed not making it to the floor. I cry hard inside wanting to rest on his chest. I sit on the chair at a distance and with shame do not look his way.
And then I wake up.