How is it that you want to live your life?

The joyous cheers all around me make me feel less than what is, but in reality is not, just temporary reliefs of reality through small, or even big amounts of flights away from their unique home called their souls. I beg myself away from it all with pain in my heart and distress on my mind. Sometimes it last enough till old age where your organs no longer function as they once did when you were but a child running through yards, blowing bubbles, with nothing but smiles and squinted eyes on your face. Twenty five years later, here I am. Holding my head high enough for onlookers to see and make their own assumptions of my whole being. It’s never wise to judge a book by its cover, but today in time, we look from vain eyes foreseeing nothing more than the painted picture of beauty, when the insides are corroded by adjusted time in the world of misery. We can never do that, but we are all sinners ad do what we want, forgetting the higher power in all of us that screams and pulls away towards the lighter side of the broken neighborhood we all dwell in. We’re all alone in our own egg shell. We hatch not knowing anything of our surroundings but what we are told. Where is the real truth? It’s far gone.. Gone away in a place where few find and the rest of us just act like the zombies, roaming around, purposeless. Only food and pleasure involved in our undeveloped lives. IN a spot where we just be, not thinking of anything else, no ambition, other wise knowledge beyond our perfect highs and lows. An extra shot? Pass the cigarette. My mind numbs itself as the Bacardi takes effect and I hold on tight to the burning world. I see my angel. I look down at myself and flick away the butt that always comes to an end.

Green Ties

New times, time for new ties. Blending into a brighter new, branches intertwining breaking at every link in the fence. Crisscross, back and forth, in and out, twisting as crackling gives voice. Spine crinkled in my plain white shirt smelling of sun- shinning into a blinded eyes. Shadows in the lids, painted with deep reds and earthy orange, pinks and light blues. Tears drip, where is this? Rooted down, not floating but growing up. Tense, dry bark. The scratching nails ripping away toxicity bleeding milk. Bright greens storming out, burped out to uncover the broccoli stench. Impurities flying away into the ozone. Seeing is believing, I see it, I believe it, “stay strong” I remember. Seeping stopped, melted caress on the surface becomes hardened. It has past.

560

Sitting here listening to creed thinking of all I need, or need not, but only in thought the thought lingers a short distance before popping as the bubbles in the air around me do. Squinting at the sound, not knowing where to mark ground, where to camp and stay for a while. Breed the human race, disgraced, cannot now, mind is elsewhere. Where else? Far away, circling, coming back down to the paradise I paint, rather paint not, do I. Colors gone far, I have only a couple dull colored crayons, where is the box? Blending I do to form a new, please let it soak in, form me some different hues. Choose for the best, regret the rest. Life has only made it a short while, still breaking through the crest. Waves puncture and beat the heat of the sands. Burning feet running from the cleansing pains, suffocating all others. Swimming around, going downtown, souls washed up on shore. Save me, from myself, save me, where is the buoy? The ringing bell, dried lips filled with salt, scratched face, eyes open to replace it all. Scanning from above, watched from below, backfloating away, deeper and deeper to the shallows of my being. Awoken in a puddle where all plans were mixed to make mud of past lover relations with him, and with her. Meshed with the index branch that now lives far above. Rooted in the deepness of the tiny creature that landed and spat on the floor. Let’s do it again, I’m always in the mood for more.

The flap of a whale bird’s cry

Into a distance it throws off a glimpse of reality where all we are is more than a solemn jester of someone else’s imagination


She tells her, “run for your life, the other have already gone, they won’t wait for you”, The limber one has not time to shed but run fierce with the wind, its steady pace brushing away liquids exhumed from the blink of her salty eyes.

A quick puff here and there are lives gone from far, far away. Lives shot down, never lived, once again, just dust in our wind. We see not what we do, but others, even us feel it, too. We lie in shame of what has occurred; not ever letting each other know what it is we have just scored. Scorched is the heart with no intimidation of such things. We are all involved with one another, my fallen brother, my friend, the one that shot his brains out... His soul mate was on the other side of the realm in which we lived and was, too, shot away from their reality.

The birds flap their wings.

My heart beats, so heavily within.
My head pains me.
My squinting eyes burn my lids.
Knowing this moment won’t last I remind myself of how high away I want to fly.
Like an eagle.
Far away, to the sea….
Into that other realm-
That other realm of reality.
Where is my solution?
Far away in a land where my plan is to be found…
Sought out for, like a treasure
I smile.
Yes, like a treasure where I follow a map that has been engraved in my heart
To search and rescue the piece that was stolen from my competence.
Like a time game, hide and seek
My happiness is built upon the characters I have made to entertain my short visit.
Yesterday I dreamt of a place that was hell to my ears, my heart cried out for the persons lost in the realm which I survived.
Screaming awoke the darkness and my eyes opened to the dim light pressed against the window bringing the day.
My loved one held me tight as I shook not knowing where I was.
Lips glued, tears rolling,
Stop that emotion showing!
Deep breaths,
Focus,
The breakfast needs to be cooked.

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I don’t want to look at that one.

I look at this instead, the flapping is just another perspective and I am done with those of others.
Here is a little of my own….
You are there.
I am here.
Our beings collide, the butterflies roam
Our feelings overwhelm
The births begin
The arguments persist
The timing blooms
Sacred embraces, time, travels
Traditions.
Gone far past, we want it to last
It’s all to pass
The time which we never knew
Could come and go
So fast.
Press slow,
Press pause,
Stop this moment,
Go back to the time where we once did
Last.
Where the Captain lasted and the wine never grew old
The Bitter sweet taste swishing around hitting rock bottom ground.
Spinning, why not?
It all is.
Our worlds intertwine
And we all become a little bit of each other’s worse mess.
Throwing up our own distress

Blabbers in a Nutshell

I got the blues
The kind only love drunk fools
don’t know what to do with.
It’s all a mess
the feelings in my heart, the thoughts in my head
trashed, wasted, get me away from the butterflies that seem to have stayed
alive and content, swimming around in me
shot of tequila to drown the suckers
and the only sucker am I for never meaning what I said when I said
“I do”
All the times, smiling
Frowning within
Such disgust
All lies, thinking it all was
Never the less, the truth came to me and all I could do
Was walk all over the carpet laid upon the ground
Relapse of cold sweats, in his sheets as he made beats
Running scared, no where to go, not wanting to go
Anywhere.
Just get in and drive, far, farther, far away from the mess in which I made to lay
Cut into it some more
Let the artists’ colors bleed the portrait spilling on the floor as the night of that fight where you grabbed my wrist
Shattered to the ground, dreams of me and you
The black and white walls,
the room,
the painted picture of just us two
The bright red lipstick pressed against your bathroom mirror
Surprising smiles as you come home from work
While I far away in another’s mind laying in bed wearing underwear smiling at love letters from a distance away
Giggles, sniffles, the tormenting rollercoaster of emotional triumphs and displeasures
Spin, spin, spin, up and loops back down, swoosh-
I threw up.
The test is nervous
The feelings are tight
My palms sweaty,
My heart wants to shout
Negative.
And dormant my feelings go
Which never goes to show
What truth lies behind the emotions running wild within
Veins bubbling, all this chaos-troubling
My thoughts, rampid.
Whinning cries, head ache,
Her curls so soft, light brown, eyes so huge and-
Blue.
Her cowboy boots and light colored glasses, wearing pearls and pink nail polish-
I see her.
I’ve painted her. Over and over in my mind, always
Complete.
Cute little teeth.
What am I saying? This is all fictitious, thoughts and all
Gloomy from pills resting at the bottom of my stomach making cold nights easy to sleep in.
All dreary and dreamy in a land without a plan
Only thoughts of this and that, when I was there and here, timing not clear
But it all means a little piece in the huge puzzle of
Me.
The portrait cries with lights shinning on the dark,
tied hair in a bun, looking away at a distance.
Lips sealed, lite blush.
He brushes my half way bangs away and rests his manly hand behind my neck.
Pull me near, let’s touch foreheads and smile with our hearts
Never part
Never leave me
I am so afraid,
Of losing you.
From the brutality to the insane love making ceasing all existence of the outside of our embrace
I love you..
I have always…
Hated myself.
Ugly, dark and cold, the bitterness never seized to grow
The fire never blew out, sheltered and warmed my aching body.
I am afraid. I am afraid to close my eyes, all the ugly comes rushing back-
Attack!
I must be losing it, if I haven’t already.
If I had it to begin with.
I can feel it in the air, the breeze whispers “you are going to be alone…”
Dead with cats? Never that.
My heart is alone, awaiting the one.
Is there one? Only one? Right here, right now? On this very same planet in this very same realm of reality?
Pushing it.
Knocking on my door comes the storm waiting to score.
One for it, less for me, it’s frightening and increased my need.
I keep going because I can never stop. My mouth runs dry but my fingers remain flangelous. Yes, I made it up, quote me.
Four of four, the knock is no longer pounding on my door.
Wishing it were his blues with fresh picked flowers from the mission home to my heart.
I try, I‘ve tried, and hurt I was from it all. Back in bed, so many thoughts in my head-
Why didn’t he answer or return? What a joke… I am..?
Less grinding, more consoling. Warming comforter with fresh sheets. Shitty smile trying to awaken my face.
Writing letters back and forth, finally got a poem.
Got the dates, the planned mates, none of which I care.
Nor here, nor there do I ever go but this place I want to be so far from.
Hair a mess from all the rest depression has anchored me to.
Sailing in fear of any moment corrupting the pyramid of playing cards all adding to twenty-one.
Not twenty two or nineteen, his is fine.
They are great, still together… How does that happen? How does any of it?
No one would know, no, not a soul.
I’d have to explain. Tell your mind what to expect of the character’s life in the pictures smiling at you.
Melodrama, melodramatic, symptoms systematic.
Hearing the hookers on the road, the gun shots galore, the honking but what scares me is the
silence.
The wind whipping as if awaiting my sleep into the outer world where my ass whooping awaits.
I cry now, for later. Don’t think I’ll ever finish crying for the past, but that is another chapter in some random book, stuck lonely on the shelves of a school where kids no longer read.
I’ll e-mail you the pictures, is all they say and what you make up to see.
Waxed off new faces awaiting brighter places. Green pastures covered with thick snow.
Not leaving the home, stuck again, right where I am, somewhere else.
The lake, so big. Skate, skate, while it break, breaks, pulling you under, what a blunder you’ve gotten yourself into.
So big, so blue, the sky above where, who knew? We pretend to make it to.
All ideas, all dreams of which we make believe and soon become real to the onlookers who fall for the same society realms of norms and characteristics placed and mounted all around for all to see and not rebel against.
Elaphants everywhwere.
Brown, cream, clear. Trunks held high as I watch in hope of some movement. They smile.
I smile back.
Big dicked, wanting to thrash.
Never that.
Stormed into another, the one who knew, the one who knows.
Knows not what I know.
Over analyzed, poor thing, I can never..enough.
Out of body experiences only for the sole justification of picking apart what was broken into pieces far beyond time.
I’ll end here so I can sleep.
Early morning for early suicidal thoughts at the place where I’m lost
In all that I care not for
But only one thing for sure
To make the money
That feeds my tummy
And pays for the application for the ticket out of here.