Blabbers in a Nutshell

I got the blues
The kind only love drunk fools
don’t know what to do with.
It’s all a mess
the feelings in my heart, the thoughts in my head
trashed, wasted, get me away from the butterflies that seem to have stayed
alive and content, swimming around in me
shot of tequila to drown the suckers
and the only sucker am I for never meaning what I said when I said
“I do”
All the times, smiling
Frowning within
Such disgust
All lies, thinking it all was
Never the less, the truth came to me and all I could do
Was walk all over the carpet laid upon the ground
Relapse of cold sweats, in his sheets as he made beats
Running scared, no where to go, not wanting to go
Anywhere.
Just get in and drive, far, farther, far away from the mess in which I made to lay
Cut into it some more
Let the artists’ colors bleed the portrait spilling on the floor as the night of that fight where you grabbed my wrist
Shattered to the ground, dreams of me and you
The black and white walls,
the room,
the painted picture of just us two
The bright red lipstick pressed against your bathroom mirror
Surprising smiles as you come home from work
While I far away in another’s mind laying in bed wearing underwear smiling at love letters from a distance away
Giggles, sniffles, the tormenting rollercoaster of emotional triumphs and displeasures
Spin, spin, spin, up and loops back down, swoosh-
I threw up.
The test is nervous
The feelings are tight
My palms sweaty,
My heart wants to shout
Negative.
And dormant my feelings go
Which never goes to show
What truth lies behind the emotions running wild within
Veins bubbling, all this chaos-troubling
My thoughts, rampid.
Whinning cries, head ache,
Her curls so soft, light brown, eyes so huge and-
Blue.
Her cowboy boots and light colored glasses, wearing pearls and pink nail polish-
I see her.
I’ve painted her. Over and over in my mind, always
Complete.
Cute little teeth.
What am I saying? This is all fictitious, thoughts and all
Gloomy from pills resting at the bottom of my stomach making cold nights easy to sleep in.
All dreary and dreamy in a land without a plan
Only thoughts of this and that, when I was there and here, timing not clear
But it all means a little piece in the huge puzzle of
Me.
The portrait cries with lights shinning on the dark,
tied hair in a bun, looking away at a distance.
Lips sealed, lite blush.
He brushes my half way bangs away and rests his manly hand behind my neck.
Pull me near, let’s touch foreheads and smile with our hearts
Never part
Never leave me
I am so afraid,
Of losing you.
From the brutality to the insane love making ceasing all existence of the outside of our embrace
I love you..
I have always…
Hated myself.
Ugly, dark and cold, the bitterness never seized to grow
The fire never blew out, sheltered and warmed my aching body.
I am afraid. I am afraid to close my eyes, all the ugly comes rushing back-
Attack!
I must be losing it, if I haven’t already.
If I had it to begin with.
I can feel it in the air, the breeze whispers “you are going to be alone…”
Dead with cats? Never that.
My heart is alone, awaiting the one.
Is there one? Only one? Right here, right now? On this very same planet in this very same realm of reality?
Pushing it.
Knocking on my door comes the storm waiting to score.
One for it, less for me, it’s frightening and increased my need.
I keep going because I can never stop. My mouth runs dry but my fingers remain flangelous. Yes, I made it up, quote me.
Four of four, the knock is no longer pounding on my door.
Wishing it were his blues with fresh picked flowers from the mission home to my heart.
I try, I‘ve tried, and hurt I was from it all. Back in bed, so many thoughts in my head-
Why didn’t he answer or return? What a joke… I am..?
Less grinding, more consoling. Warming comforter with fresh sheets. Shitty smile trying to awaken my face.
Writing letters back and forth, finally got a poem.
Got the dates, the planned mates, none of which I care.
Nor here, nor there do I ever go but this place I want to be so far from.
Hair a mess from all the rest depression has anchored me to.
Sailing in fear of any moment corrupting the pyramid of playing cards all adding to twenty-one.
Not twenty two or nineteen, his is fine.
They are great, still together… How does that happen? How does any of it?
No one would know, no, not a soul.
I’d have to explain. Tell your mind what to expect of the character’s life in the pictures smiling at you.
Melodrama, melodramatic, symptoms systematic.
Hearing the hookers on the road, the gun shots galore, the honking but what scares me is the
silence.
The wind whipping as if awaiting my sleep into the outer world where my ass whooping awaits.
I cry now, for later. Don’t think I’ll ever finish crying for the past, but that is another chapter in some random book, stuck lonely on the shelves of a school where kids no longer read.
I’ll e-mail you the pictures, is all they say and what you make up to see.
Waxed off new faces awaiting brighter places. Green pastures covered with thick snow.
Not leaving the home, stuck again, right where I am, somewhere else.
The lake, so big. Skate, skate, while it break, breaks, pulling you under, what a blunder you’ve gotten yourself into.
So big, so blue, the sky above where, who knew? We pretend to make it to.
All ideas, all dreams of which we make believe and soon become real to the onlookers who fall for the same society realms of norms and characteristics placed and mounted all around for all to see and not rebel against.
Elaphants everywhwere.
Brown, cream, clear. Trunks held high as I watch in hope of some movement. They smile.
I smile back.
Big dicked, wanting to thrash.
Never that.
Stormed into another, the one who knew, the one who knows.
Knows not what I know.
Over analyzed, poor thing, I can never..enough.
Out of body experiences only for the sole justification of picking apart what was broken into pieces far beyond time.
I’ll end here so I can sleep.
Early morning for early suicidal thoughts at the place where I’m lost
In all that I care not for
But only one thing for sure
To make the money
That feeds my tummy
And pays for the application for the ticket out of here.