Daddy Dearest

3/3/10
Clear my mind with fog from a bag
Day was fine, went fine, came fine
Home again to disturbing news
Another in my family,
So close to lose
My heart not knowing how to react-
Never had an emotional moment with him
And now, after having made my emotions stuck in stone
I want to reach the unreachable
Attempts not successful and down I fall\my mood goes to anew
No longer happy, but confused
What, how am I to do
What he has never taught me, what I have never been raised to be
Tear roll down my face- it hurts so.
I try but memories are scattered in my brain
Here and there, I cannot grasp one entirely
The reality blocks with brick walls of each of time..
You hurt me.
Oh how it all hurts
The feelings I have
The feelings I don’t
Choked, my throat would like to be at ease
Smoke away the feelings, set my mind free
Knowing it will all be there when I return, all of it
Even the cancer.
Choke.


Finding out my dad has prostate cancer is another tragedy to add to the list. Not knowing how to talk to him about his health, not knowing there was a problem before he was diagnosed with diabetes was one thing. Trying to help out with diets and supplies, trying to do things to make him happy, that was all one thing. One step. One way to show him I care more than he knows. But now this, what the fuck. Now what? I know not how to show my feelings and am working on it. And this happens where mind and heart become in sync with anxiety and gloom. Anger and age, why?! Why this? Isn’t he sick enough? Back at one. Back where I started, a bag filled with rollercoaster tickets to emotional rides up and down, all around. Sick, my throat, it won’t release. My head pounds and my heart- feels empty. Getting closer, getting closer to getting back, or to a place where I’ve never been- a place close to his heart. Getting close, and now so far, he in his and I in mine-crying. The tears don’t stop and I don’t know what to say. It is cold. Everywhere, all around me. Choke. Why won’t it stop? I can’t breathe. My heart hurts. It hurts. Stop. My mind feels it will explode. Raccoon eyes, bloodshot eyes, red nose, wet face. My eyes burn. Release-where? I don’t know how to effectively communicate. Maybe that’s why I’m in my third communications course. Would that help with this scenario? Could it? I shiver, it is so cold. My eyes, so warm, burning hurt in their sockets.
What now?