Premeditated Sabotage

I learned the words "self-sabotage" through a horrible movie, where a drunken fiance misses her wedding and the right to call herself a good man's wife, all for what looked like to be drunken nonsense and possibly drug abuse. Do we all "self-sabotage"? At least at one point in our lives? As I sit here, "pre" move in, I think of all the things that could go wrong. All of my past failures come into play and I am left with the idea that nothing will g right. I enter a panic state of mind, not allowing me to believe that this could at all be a good move. How are we to let go of the past's downfalls and live for today, in a positive way? Not thinking of anything that could go wrong, but instead, what could go right?

“I’ll tell you my sins, so you can sharpen your knife..”

“I’ll tell you my sins, so you can sharpen your knife..”

I am afraid

So fearful

I don’t understand-

Why I judge so much

The being that

I am

And so

I hide

Far away

Doing my best

To help others

As I hide

I hide from

Them

Stuck with the one

And only

Myself

Judging

Not them, but

Myself

Who am I?

Who am I to advise

Counsel

Upon

Others?

No, not I

Couldn’t be

Not I, the sinful

Sinner

Couldn’t be

Yet, they still

Listen

And come back over and over asking for more and more

Direction

In a life

I feel I have lived

Many

Times over and over

Maybe that's why

We connected

All the lives

He lived in one

Life time

He gasped for air

Filling his body of

Lifelessness

And send them on their

Ways, to an eternity

Of happy living

I remain

Alone

And unfulfilled.

2:53am

10-14-16
"For Aaron"

Garbage

Garbage
01/27/2015

Twist ties and knots in my throat

then light at the end of the tunnels shines no

more

for it has closed

long ago

before it ever started

showing

it was conceived that way

to be abandoned before ever 

being found

it all hurts

are there 

spikes inside this place?

reaching out for what can be a light

its never bright 

its never right

time to take flight

forget what we fought about

forget what this night

shocks brought you to

So Far

So Far
01/27/15

So Far

So far away

something that feels 

so easily to acquire 

makes it rather

tempting to

not even bother

So Far

I've sent a letter

the one that begins

the trend

of us 

back and forth

leaving to work

thinking of you

counting the days

till the next visit

smiling 

as the sun hits my face

but this time

this time

today

its different

So Far

we are far 

from where we were

very far

not at all close to

how we used to be

reading each others minds

telling secrets through

air, into eyes

yours and mine

So Far

you once again get 

caught up in the world

caught

into a place you've been

so close yet 

So Far

I cannot reach you

I can only send my vibes

my emotions towards you

in hope you feel the extent of 

my unyielding heart

thumps, thumping with such

emotion

packed into such a small

structure

and 

So Far

there's the science

trying to justify

what the mind cannot 

understand

there's no plan

none

none to go by

none to live by

only the thought

of you and I

but who knows

So Far

it's only been a few days

you crossed through the

desserts of my soul.

For Aaron

10-26-2016

It'll never be.
Goodbye Aaron, you are
dead and gone..
yet, still.. your spirit
haunts my life
my mind screams
saying:
"be dead and gone, stay away from
me, go be at peace.."
but I know better

the business you feel unfinished-
the one I took care of
long ago,
you held on and
hold on to it all
and now, even after
physical death
you haunt my
life
and I don't know what you
want
from me
I need rest, I
must
sleep.
Let me,
please...

Wirlwind (SDE)

4:18am
10-26-16
Wednesday

Curled up, he
lay beside my sleepless
self
there are no cuddles
no kisses good night
no hands held
nothing felt
Just me
with my cup
a glass
with a taste of a
spirit I tired of
years ago
He lay quietly beside
me
as my typing keeps him
awake and aware
I wonder if I'd get up, leave,
if he'd follow..?
Pretty sure of it.
We both are children
lost in a big park
without parents
money
care
or fare
to ride anything
worthwhile.
We chase each
other
around
and laugh
the smiles, the giggles
they are -
what makes us, "us"
for without it, we'd
be dead
instead, life fills
our dormant lives
with a sort of
happiness, even if brief,
that reminds us
there is no world
outside of this
moment.
We
are
the world
nothing else exists
why should it?
how could it?
the tiny kitchen space is the
playground, in which
we poke and hide from
his father
haha, he knows
and knows better
than to
come into our
childish party of
laughter and made up
world
no one can enter
they wouldn't-
couldn't-
understand anything we
do in there
and so, I smile at
you
laughing
at
me..
with all our clothes
on and distant
bodies attracted to
opposite sides,
we lay in bed
I turn to you
caress your thin gray tank
top, covering all but your
arms
I feel your warmth, your
breathing and hear your
snores
you are alive
I am awake
and so, I pray, please
or please not-
God, grant me
another day.

4:39am

Where are we now?

Wednesday
10-26-16
4:11am

Where are we now?

I don't know the answer to any
of the questions
clouding my
brain
my mind
my body hurts
from my being
not knowing
what is
or what is not
I feel dead
in a trance
a weird, out of body-
or just
out of "if"
feeling
when will it end?
this month?
this year?
the day?
the hour?
It's already past 4am
and still
I get no rest
yet
no fatigue is
felt
instead, I'm here
searching
for things I do not even
know
exist
Where am I?
Who-
am I?
What do I stand for?
I have wandered, I have run
far from the comforts of norms
I have always hated and
now I am in a big
plain field, within perfect
sight
of all my insecurities
enemies, withdrawls, and annoyances
There is no where to
go, or hide
there is no where
I rather be
than growing by default
because there is no
other way
to get through this field, this
desert of 40 years
plus
who knows how
long
it will
take
I still
love..
I still love
you,
life...
;)

"Get off my.."

10-14-16

Friday

12:50am

“Get off my dick”

Get off my dick, right?

He said, laying on the plain white

Hotel sheets

The kind never staind

From too much bleach

The fit just right

Tight and light in

Color

Pitch - not

Black, but white

Crisp and clean

Just as the bags

That lay to my right

Death at my left

And so is he

Forearm and bicep covering

His tired eyes

He needs sleep

But the music plays

Semi-loud, just as my

Interests in him

Semi.

Who am I?

And so I write for a hope

Of clarification

Where art thou? The

Miss Natalie Silva?

The one whom I thought I was,

The one I made, the one others

Disgraced, I felt

As they shouted, yelled

Looking at me, pointing

Their judgments as theirs

Grew larger

God would later get to them

But for then, and for now,

Where are you, God?

“Dear God, it’s me Margaret..”

Judy Blume had me hooked

Until it was no longer cool

To read any books

Instead, ripped pages

Even from the bible

Just to roll myself, more

For them, a little something

That got them feeling less of what

They did from within-

They zoomed into the wind

As the smoke of the smokes

Made me and who I was not

And them who they are

Now.

Quenching thirsts,

Oh how it hurt the nights he

Quenched his, as my sister lay

Next to us

How disgusting

I stole from him, never at all

In comparison to what he

From me.

The walls look like embroidered paintings.

Patches of the same

Still remain

From only God knows how long ago

I wonder if they’re stained ?

Gross.

Continuing on, I look around for

Contributions to this song

“The song remains the same”, as

Zeppelin would say, and never again

Sound the same

M&M’s don’t do it

Anymore

Instead, I tried new ones

As I did with drugs and drinks,

Men and women, and midnight

Shrinks.

And here I am

In a hotel room

Past 1am

Just thinking

Thinking of nothing and

Everything, a master plan

And bothered by sweat

From the prednisone

Coming from

But of course, if you ever heard

Erik B & Rakim, you’d know

Where I was getting at

“Aint’ nothing but sweat inside my hand”, yup

That has always reminded me to now

Sweat it. Because sweating in general

Ain’t shit

It’s moisture building up from

Perspiration from palpitations coming from

Unnecessary thoughts, swarming the brain

Let it go, let them go

And set yourself

Free.

I love you, Aaron.

1:11am

Here & Now, I Try

9:16pm
09-20-16

Have you ever tried
so hard
cried
so hard
heard
too much
felt
more than
enough
gave your
best
felt
so damn
restless
hurt
inside
tried
to hide
have you ever
been awake
yet felt
so
not alive..
"It has to be a dream",
she pondered, looking
far away into the
distant night
as the road continued
and the music played
the highway swayed
into
country
from city
where she used to
lay
she cried to herself
quietly
for the meter was
loud enough
and who was she
to bother
another ride
that would not be
surprised
at the mess
he transported
Have you ever-
loved.. so much
you forgot
yourself?
She sat alone
the drones brought
on much discomfort
to the family
that scorned her.
Yet she never wished
bad upon them
Instead, hoped and prayed
God would change them
make them see, yes,
please God, let them
see
that their enemy
was not her
no
it wasn't she-
but instead, all
they put upon her
being.
Some times
too heavy, she
leaned to another
to levy
the pains and sorrows
that they lent and never back
borrowed
until her back froze
and she could no
longer grow
and grew into a mirror
where she looked at
herself
every night
and despite
her hatred and hurt,
she prayed
for God to lurk,
upon the home
where she was once
throned
as mommy and
daddy's
favorite.
Had she known,
she would have chosen
to be their last pick
not last born
but the one they cared
not for, the
one they did not
believe in
the one they did not
scorn
the one they gave a
hand to
and not hated to
applaud to..
Had she known,
she wouldn't have grown,
in their footsteps.
Into the mess they trapped
her in, or
at least
made their best
attempt.
She still rose.
No matter the thickness
of the concrete
poured upon her
She still smiled
and shared it
with others
No matter what-
I dare you to try and
touch her

Eyebrows..

4:23am

I work tomorrow,
Better yet, today
In a few hours
a few as in exactly what
it means
three to four hours
passing,
I will need to reawaken
to my weeks schedule of
home health
aiding a 89 year old
man.
I can't sleep.
He watches, as I
speak
carelessly into the computer
another picked out for me
It means nothing
He as always been there
for me
and I will do the same
with him
But he stares
as if not ready to join
his regular regimen
of sobriety, work, and anti drug related
meetings.
The ones I will never
again
go to
Ewww
I listen to my pop artist
"Brap, brap braaappp"
Shootin her ego all over
the record
ya damn right
I love him, yes,
I do
I always have
but never like this
and this, hasn't even been
made clear
or even felt
to such extremities
where its called,
"being in"
the so called
love
whatever that it, anyway
let him sleep,
between the sheets
under the blanket
I've kept for
myself
and myself
only.
I guess I will
have to submerge into
his safe and comfort zone
later
when I, too, become cool
and resting
Ha-
the excitement never leaves
rain or shine
no matter what
I will always
conquer
what is mine.
This I know.
As do they.
Good luck, Chuck.
Ha-
4:35am Sunday, September 18th, 2016