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Sunday, March 19, 2017

Premeditated Sabotage

I learned the words "self-sabotage" through a horrible movie, where a drunken fiance misses her wedding and the right to call herself a good man's wife, all for what looked like to be drunken nonsense and possibly drug abuse. Do we all "self-sabotage"? At least at one point in our lives? As I sit here, "pre" move in, I think of all the things that could go wrong. All of my past failures come into play and I am left with the idea that nothing will g right. I enter a panic state of mind, not allowing me to believe that this could at all be a good move. How are we to let go of the past's downfalls and live for today, in a positive way? Not thinking of anything that could go wrong, but instead, what could go right?

Friday, November 11, 2016

“I’ll tell you my sins, so you can sharpen your knife..”

“I’ll tell you my sins, so you can sharpen your knife..”


I am afraid
So fearful
I don’t understand-
Why I judge so much
The being that
I am
And so
I hide
Far away
Doing my best
To help others
As I hide
I hide from
Them
Stuck with the one
And only
Myself
Judging
Not them, but
Myself
Who am I?
Who am I to advise
Counsel
Upon
Others?
No, not I
Couldn’t be
Not I, the sinful
Sinner
Couldn’t be
Yet, they still
Listen
And come back over and over asking for more and more
Direction
In a life
I feel I have lived
Many
Times over and over
Maybe that's why
We connected
All the lives
He lived in one
Life time
He gasped for air
Filling his body of
Lifelessness
And send them on their
Ways, to an eternity
Of happy living
I remain
Alone
And unfulfilled.

2:53am
10-14-16
"For Aaron"

Garbage

Garbage
01/27/2015

Twist ties and knots in my throat
then light at the end of the tunnels shines no
more
for it has closed
long ago
before it ever started
showing
it was conceived that way
to be abandoned before ever 
being found
it all hurts
are there 
spikes inside this place?
reaching out for what can be a light
its never bright 
its never right
time to take flight
forget what we fought about
forget what this night
shocks brought you to

So Far

So Far
01/27/15

So Far

So far away
something that feels 
so easily to acquire 
makes it rather
tempting to
not even bother
So Far
I've sent a letter
the one that begins
the trend
of us 
back and forth
leaving to work
thinking of you
counting the days
till the next visit
smiling 
as the sun hits my face
but this time
this time
today
its different
So Far
we are far 
from where we were
very far
not at all close to
how we used to be
reading each others minds
telling secrets through
air, into eyes
yours and mine
So Far
you once again get 
caught up in the world
caught
into a place you've been
so close yet 
So Far
I cannot reach you
I can only send my vibes
my emotions towards you
in hope you feel the extent of 
my unyielding heart
thumps, thumping with such
emotion
packed into such a small
structure
and 
So Far
there's the science
trying to justify
what the mind cannot 
understand
there's no plan
none
none to go by
none to live by
only the thought
of you and I
but who knows
So Far
it's only been a few days
you crossed through the
desserts of my soul.

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

For Aaron

10-26-2016

It'll never be.
Goodbye Aaron, you are
dead and gone..
yet, still.. your spirit
haunts my life
my mind screams
saying:
"be dead and gone, stay away from
me, go be at peace.."
but I know better

the business you feel unfinished-
the one I took care of
long ago,
you held on and
hold on to it all
and now, even after
physical death
you haunt my
life
and I don't know what you
want
from me
I need rest, I
must
sleep.
Let me,
please...

Wirlwind (SDE)

4:18am
10-26-16
Wednesday

Curled up, he
lay beside my sleepless
self
there are no cuddles
no kisses good night
no hands held
nothing felt
Just me
with my cup
a glass
with a taste of a
spirit I tired of
years ago
He lay quietly beside
me
as my typing keeps him
awake and aware
I wonder if I'd get up, leave,
if he'd follow..?
Pretty sure of it.
We both are children
lost in a big park
without parents
money
care
or fare
to ride anything
worthwhile.
We chase each
other
around
and laugh
the smiles, the giggles
they are -
what makes us, "us"
for without it, we'd
be dead
instead, life fills
our dormant lives
with a sort of
happiness, even if brief,
that reminds us
there is no world
outside of this
moment.
We
are
the world
nothing else exists
why should it?
how could it?
the tiny kitchen space is the
playground, in which
we poke and hide from
his father
haha, he knows
and knows better
than to
come into our
childish party of
laughter and made up
world
no one can enter
they wouldn't-
couldn't-
understand anything we
do in there
and so, I smile at
you
laughing
at
me..
with all our clothes
on and distant
bodies attracted to
opposite sides,
we lay in bed
I turn to you
caress your thin gray tank
top, covering all but your
arms
I feel your warmth, your
breathing and hear your
snores
you are alive
I am awake
and so, I pray, please
or please not-
God, grant me
another day.

4:39am

Where are we now?

Wednesday
10-26-16
4:11am

Where are we now?

I don't know the answer to any
of the questions
clouding my
brain
my mind
my body hurts
from my being
not knowing
what is
or what is not
I feel dead
in a trance
a weird, out of body-
or just
out of "if"
feeling
when will it end?
this month?
this year?
the day?
the hour?
It's already past 4am
and still
I get no rest
yet
no fatigue is
felt
instead, I'm here
searching
for things I do not even
know
exist
Where am I?
Who-
am I?
What do I stand for?
I have wandered, I have run
far from the comforts of norms
I have always hated and
now I am in a big
plain field, within perfect
sight
of all my insecurities
enemies, withdrawls, and annoyances
There is no where to
go, or hide
there is no where
I rather be
than growing by default
because there is no
other way
to get through this field, this
desert of 40 years
plus
who knows how
long
it will
take
I still
love..
I still love
you,
life...
;)

Friday, October 14, 2016

"Get off my.."

10-14-16
Friday
12:50am


“Get off my dick”

Get off my dick, right?
He said, laying on the plain white
Hotel sheets
The kind never staind
From too much bleach
The fit just right
Tight and light in
Color
Pitch - not
Black, but white
Crisp and clean
Just as the bags
That lay to my right
Death at my left
And so is he
Forearm and bicep covering
His tired eyes
He needs sleep
But the music plays
Semi-loud, just as my
Interests in him
Semi.
Who am I?
And so I write for a hope
Of clarification
Where art thou? The
Miss Natalie Silva?
The one whom I thought I was,
The one I made, the one others
Disgraced, I felt
As they shouted, yelled
Looking at me, pointing
Their judgments as theirs
Grew larger
God would later get to them
But for then, and for now,
Where are you, God?
“Dear God, it’s me Margaret..”
Judy Blume had me hooked
Until it was no longer cool
To read any books
Instead, ripped pages
Even from the bible
Just to roll myself, more
For them, a little something
That got them feeling less of what
They did from within-
They zoomed into the wind
As the smoke of the smokes
Made me and who I was not
And them who they are
Now.

Quenching thirsts,
Oh how it hurt the nights he
Quenched his, as my sister lay
Next to us
How disgusting
I stole from him, never at all
In comparison to what he
From me.

The walls look like embroidered paintings.
Patches of the same
Still remain
From only God knows how long ago
I wonder if they’re stained ?
Gross.
Continuing on, I look around for
Contributions to this song
“The song remains the same”, as
Zeppelin would say, and never again
Sound the same

M&M’s don’t do it
Anymore
Instead, I tried new ones
As I did with drugs and drinks,
Men and women, and midnight
Shrinks.
And here I am
In a hotel room
Past 1am
Just thinking
Thinking of nothing and
Everything, a master plan
And bothered by sweat
From the prednisone
Coming from
But of course, if you ever heard
Erik B & Rakim, you’d know
Where I was getting at
“Aint’ nothing but sweat inside my hand”, yup
That has always reminded me to now
Sweat it. Because sweating in general
Ain’t shit
It’s moisture building up from
Perspiration from palpitations coming from
Unnecessary thoughts, swarming the brain
Let it go, let them go
And set yourself
Free.

I love you, Aaron.
1:11am

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Here & Now, I Try

9:16pm
09-20-16

Have you ever tried
so hard
cried
so hard
heard
too much
felt
more than
enough
gave your
best
felt
so damn
restless
hurt
inside
tried
to hide
have you ever
been awake
yet felt
so
not alive..
"It has to be a dream",
she pondered, looking
far away into the
distant night
as the road continued
and the music played
the highway swayed
into
country
from city
where she used to
lay
she cried to herself
quietly
for the meter was
loud enough
and who was she
to bother
another ride
that would not be
surprised
at the mess
he transported
Have you ever-
loved.. so much
you forgot
yourself?
She sat alone
the drones brought
on much discomfort
to the family
that scorned her.
Yet she never wished
bad upon them
Instead, hoped and prayed
God would change them
make them see, yes,
please God, let them
see
that their enemy
was not her
no
it wasn't she-
but instead, all
they put upon her
being.
Some times
too heavy, she
leaned to another
to levy
the pains and sorrows
that they lent and never back
borrowed
until her back froze
and she could no
longer grow
and grew into a mirror
where she looked at
herself
every night
and despite
her hatred and hurt,
she prayed
for God to lurk,
upon the home
where she was once
throned
as mommy and
daddy's
favorite.
Had she known,
she would have chosen
to be their last pick
not last born
but the one they cared
not for, the
one they did not
believe in
the one they did not
scorn
the one they gave a
hand to
and not hated to
applaud to..
Had she known,
she wouldn't have grown,
in their footsteps.
Into the mess they trapped
her in, or
at least
made their best
attempt.
She still rose.
No matter the thickness
of the concrete
poured upon her
She still smiled
and shared it
with others
No matter what-
I dare you to try and
touch her

Sunday, September 18, 2016

Eyebrows..

4:23am

I work tomorrow,
Better yet, today
In a few hours
a few as in exactly what
it means
three to four hours
passing,
I will need to reawaken
to my weeks schedule of
home health
aiding a 89 year old
man.
I can't sleep.
He watches, as I
speak
carelessly into the computer
another picked out for me
It means nothing
He as always been there
for me
and I will do the same
with him
But he stares
as if not ready to join
his regular regimen
of sobriety, work, and anti drug related
meetings.
The ones I will never
again
go to
Ewww
I listen to my pop artist
"Brap, brap braaappp"
Shootin her ego all over
the record
ya damn right
I love him, yes,
I do
I always have
but never like this
and this, hasn't even been
made clear
or even felt
to such extremities
where its called,
"being in"
the so called
love
whatever that it, anyway
let him sleep,
between the sheets
under the blanket
I've kept for
myself
and myself
only.
I guess I will
have to submerge into
his safe and comfort zone
later
when I, too, become cool
and resting
Ha-
the excitement never leaves
rain or shine
no matter what
I will always
conquer
what is mine.
This I know.
As do they.
Good luck, Chuck.
Ha-
4:35am Sunday, September 18th, 2016